Stupid F***in' Duck

We gave Keller his first real bath a couple weeks ago and it went real bad.  Let me start by telling you the moral of this story is – Use common sense, not a rubber duck.  Read on…

So, I was all excited to give him his first bath and try out his new bathtub.  Now, the little man hates to be cold (he gets this from his mama), so I wasn’t sure how well he was going to like this.  He cries and trembles anytime he gets his diaper or clothes changed, so being naked in a tub of water might not be his thing, but I was excited to give it a try nonetheless. 

So, Dustin’s getting him ready and I’m getting his tub ready.  Enter the rubber duck.  We registered for and received one of the water temperature rubber ducks.  All you new parents know it…it has something on the bottom that tells you if the water is too hot for baby.  I thought it changed colors, like from the yellow to red if it was too hot, but that’s not the case (that would make too much sense).  Instead, it has a purple dot on the bottom with the word HOT, also in purple.  If the water’s too hot, HOT turns white.  Got it, let’s give it a go. 

I put it in the water…HOT.  Okay, let’s go a little cooler.  Try it again…HOT.  Hmm.  It doesn’t feel that hot to me, but I like my bath water just under scalding, so I’m probably not the best judge.  Colder still…HOT still.  Now, what the hell?!?!  This goes on until the water is cold.  Not warm or lukewarm, but cold.  And the damn duck is still yelling HOT.  (Okay, it doesn’t actually yell, but we all know that all caps signifies yelling.)

This is where common sense should come into play, but I’m just trying to obey the duck.  I mean, I’m a new mom, and I don’t know any better and I don’t expect the cute, innocent looking duck is going to lead me astray.  (I should also note the duck has on a police officer uniform.  Who wouldn’t trust a police officer duck?)  I certainly don’t want to scald my child.  And then I’d have to take him to the ER within his first 2 weeks of life like a terrible mother.  And then DCFS would have to come in and I’d have to explain that I disobeyed they duck and they’d be all “Why wouldn’t you listen to the duck?  It even has a police uniform on for crying out loud.”

So, onto the bath.  He’s pissed already because he’s naked and cold, which of course causes him to literally piss…right on my hand.  It must be a motherly instinct thing that kicks in, because pee on my hand would normally be repulsive, but it doesn’t even phase me.  Lower him into the tub…even more pissed.  Screaming, crying, trembling.  All this is causing me to become totally frazzled.  Dustin’s trying to help, but there’s not much that could help the situation at that point.  So, he got about a 45 second washing and I decided that was enough torture (for all of us) for one night.  We got him all wrapped up and warmed up and settled down in his towel and *Squirt*.  Yep, he pooped in the towel.  Pretty much sums up what he thought about that bath.  I’m sorry Keller, that you have to be our little guinea pig, but that’s part of being the oldest child.  At least it only took one, really fast, bath to figure it out. 

I am happy to report that he has had several baths since that first one, and he actually enjoys them.  The duck was retired after just one bath.  He’s currently unemployed, but will take on the role of ‘bath toy’ in the future. 

After the first bath - didn't even have time to take my pic in the tub

2nd bath - this isn't so bad!

Note the evil duck in the background...just a toy at this point